I’m diving into a topic today that has not been easy for me, so I’m very much learning and growing in this area.

I think one reason motherhood feels so isolating at first is because you are really home a lot in those first few weeks and months. Regardless of whether or not you work outside of the home, most women will get maternity leave and be home with their newborn for a little while.

And it’s a little lonely… This coupled with not sleeping much and living life in 2-3 hour increments of feedings, changing, and sleeping makes hanging out with a friend one of the last things on our mind.

Hanging Out With Friends Can Be Challenging

Thankfully, I’ve had some sweet women in my life who dropped by or brought food, but other than this, I didn’t really have contact with other women outside of the house for a while.

I may be sounding like an alien here, but you know what I mean right? 

Once you transition into motherhood, it becomes a little harder to find friends IF you don’t already have friends who also have babies or small children.

Some mama’s social lives don’t change at all, but for others having a baby can make finding (and keeping) friends a little more challenging. And being a mom for almost 7 years now, I’ve had my share of seasons where I just didn’t feel connected socially. Honestly in other seasons, I was kind of okay with that.

But here’s what I’ve learned: we all crave connection. Even if we get it by scrolling our phones and jumping into someone else’s life for 30 minutes… or 2 hours… but we crave connection with other humans.

We need this interaction.

Have you heard of the Clubhouse app? It has taught me so much about human interaction. It’s basically an audio only app where you are connecting with others only through speaking.

Making Friends with Another Mom

I want to tell you a little story and then share some things it taught me.

The other day we were at the library here and I was letting the girls play games on the computers, play with the wooden toys, while I attempted to sit and read a book of my own… How do you think that went?!

My baby, who is really not a baby anymore, walks up to this mom and her son (my daughter is obsessed with little boys.. Maybe because we don’t have any in our house?) She went up to this boy and kept handing him things and offering him books and the wooden blocks.

I kept grabbing and pulling her back, but the boy’s mom and I started a conversation. (If you know me personally, you’re probably falling out of your chair because you know I’ve always been  the most introverted, quietest person you’d ever meet. But I’ve been branching out lately.)

One of us ended up asking a question and we began talking back and forth.

I live in a small town, so everybody knows everybody and we’re trying to figure out if we have any mutual connection because she’s not from this area. We realized our kids go to the same school, but they’re not the same age, so we’ve never crossed paths.

We keep chatting and the baby continues to give her son books while I continue pulling her out of his personal space. I started to say goodbye, because it was feeling like we’d worn out our welcome with the baby not giving her son any space, and the other mom says, “we should meet for coffee one day.”

Excited, I agreed. Mind you, I don’t even drink coffee, but at this point I’m thinking I would love another mom friend to hang out with and just talk to, so I agree. We exchange names and say we’ll connect through FB and go from there. She sends me a message with her number that afternoon, I text her that evening, and we set the day and time.

We actually met up earlier today, the day I’m writing this, and it was just the nicest conversation. Kind of talking about nothing, but talking about everything, you know? As a mom, especially a stay at home mom, you don’t get much adult interaction. 

As we joked about, it can feel like when you’re finally around other adults you don’t really remember how to carry on a conversation! I know I’m not the only one here… But why do I tell you this story?

Well not only was I super excited about this new connection, and thankful we were able to hang out, but I learned a few things through this experience.

We’ve Got to Leave the House

Lesson #1: Sometimes, making friends requires you to leave your house.

Often, I would think, “man I wish I had some friends,” but I’m home all day, every day… Not going where people actually are.

Like I mentioned earlier, there was a time when I liked it this way. But now, my kiddos and I try to go to the park and the library… and well, there’s not much else to do in our small town but you get the point!

We Have to Ask Others

Lesson #2: Just ask!

I’m so glad this other mama asked if I wanted to meet up, because it was something I wasn’t thinking about at the time. And I KNOW I would’ve gotten in the car and thought, “man! I should have gotten her name, or asked if she wanted to hang out.”

I’ve done this when I have met someone who seems cool, or like we could get along, but I’m either too scared or too busy in the moment to ask! So sometimes, it just takes you having courage and asking.

We Have to Say “Yes” and Show Up

Lesson #3: Now if you’re on the receiving end, this is for you… You have to actually say “yes” and show up.

If you are constantly telling people “no” or turning down their invites, they will probably eventually stop asking. That’s just the way it is.

I remember seeing a meme when I just had my third baby and she was a few months old. It said something like, “please still invite me even though we both know the answer is going to be ‘no.’” This was me for the longest time. I couldn’t come, or we both knew I was going to turn down the invite, but I really wanted friends to keep asking… How much sense does that make?!

Be the friend you WANT to have.

We Have to Know Who We Are

Lesson #4: Know who you are.

This requires self discovery, awareness, and knowing who you are and what you enjoy. Don’t be like the chameleon who blends in with its environment by being one way around a certain group, and totally different in a different group.

Be who you are from the beginning. Most people will like you, but some won’t. This is true with all things…

You can be the best ice cream sundae topped with delicious toppings, but there’s still going to be someone who doesn’t like ice cream. Don’t let those people stop you from showing up as yourself and fully being YOU! 

We Can’t Rely on Self-Sufficiency

Lesson #5: Do not buy into the lie of self sufficiency… Any thoughts of isolation will keep you trapped in this place, and it is not a healthy place to be.

When we are isolated, we are easily intimidated and deceived into thinking we can do life alone. Or even that we prefer to be on our own. But friend, we NEED human connection.

We need community, even when it is very tempting to keep to ourselves and convince ourselves we are perfectly fine being alone. This way of thinking is destructive. Don’t get stuck here, okay?

I know it can be difficult finding and making friends, especially as a mom, but I hope this has encouraged and reminded you of the importance of friendship.

Be Brave and Reach Out

Take a step out and text or call a friend. Just check in on her to see how she’s doing.

Maybe you’ll strike up a conversation, and who knows, maybe it will lead to a play date, or grabbing lunch together.

And the next time you are at the park, or Chick-fil-a and you see a mom who you think you may get along with, say “HEY” to her. Be brave and start the conversation.

Joke about your kids, just speak. You never know what will come from it!